Superlatives

Saving Marlowe:
Most able, courageous (DIO 18 [2014] §K4 [p.27]), & crucial actor in all of human history: Wm.Shakespeare.

Questioning the Medium's inattention to that 99% of US urban ghettos' annual gun-fatalities not due to white cops:
Most educational & would-be life-saving potential re-write of “Black Lives Matter”

[Mass Murder as a Racial Privilege:
Is the Medium's serial-pardoning-ignoring of thousands of annual urban killings of blacks by other blacks a PRIVILEGE? — a right that cannot be allowed to other races. (Most especially not permitted to white cops.) Is this glaring-but-Medium-undiscussed contrast parallel to its demand regarding language? — by which only a black is allowed the Privilege of calling another black a crude racial insult which is Medium-forbidden to non-blacks?]

Last Shot of World War Two:
At the 1990s dinner when US-Leader (& WW2-hero Bush-One) barfed onto Japan-Leader's lap.

A P.C.-Era Irony That's Hard to Exceed:
Main enemy of a free press today = the FreesniggerPress.

Worst coincidence: that the same fateful year (1453 AD) should contain both: [a] the fiery fall of bibliophilic Constantinople, and [b] Gutenberg's invention of the very printing press that could have perpetuated those books thus lost forever in the calamity.

Most Unexceedable Irony: a Fantasy-Tale of WishForCareless Haters' Maybe-Shoulda-Thoughta-That Improvidence:
Once upon a time, there was a racist. Let's randomly choose the name 'Dolph for him. 'Dolph was particularly impatient with a world too-full of dummies, whose inability to function at simple tasks kept getting in his way — and whom he suspected of inadequate genes. So he summoned his sidekook Heinie, ordering him to DO-something-about world genetic-stupidity. But since shipping folks to the Moon wasn't yet feasible, Heinie opted for mass-extermination. And he quite naturally asked 'Dolph: what's the cut-off point for elimination? Our 2 genii thought&thought&thought — until Heinie brainstormed: you, the incomparable cynosure 'Dolph, must be the measure of survivable man! Your lofty IQ will be the boundary-point: anyone below that must go! Typically modest, 'Dolph assented, suggesting Heinie take a little time off to execute the holy task. A few days later, Heinie returned proudly reporting he'd extirminated the required fraction of humanity. A beaming Dolph congratulatorily awarded Heinie the Iron Cross, promoting him officially to the rank of Reich Lapdog. But Heinie was symmetrically ready with his own special promotion for 'Dolph:

Greatest cartoonists = David Low & Pat Oliphant.

Most inappropriate syllable = 1st in “lawyer”.

From its day-one, history's bloodiest hate-speech document = Koran.

Best antidote to suicide = curiosity: what's going to happen tomorrow?

Silliest gun-confronation fantasy = tie between
[a] Formal Gunsmoke-style feet-apart face-to-face macho gunfight. Were cowboys more ethical than today's gunsels? Would they seriously risk 50-50 odds of ending their lives, out of politeness? — like the duelers in Tchaikovsky's Eugene Onegin? More likely they just tried to stay alive, and were happy to use back-shooters, a reality creditably somewhat faced by Oakley Hall's Warlock (made into a remarkable film in 1959).
[b] What Hollywood has used in so many films, that it even has an even sillier (and insensitive?) name for it: “Mexican Standoff”, where two (or more) characters aim guns at each other and palaver that way for five or ten minutes — as if, hey, there's nothing UNSTABLE here. And as if it wouldn't occur to anybody present that they just might be shot dead any millisecond, at the veriest whim — or by a nervous twitch — so maaaybe it just might be wiser (if all don't agree to at least lower their weapons) to either promptly leave-town or pre-emptively end it insta-providently.

Fateful Octennial Ineducability:
In 2004, the public RE-elected the most expensive and least honest US president in history.
And then did it again in 2012.
Any chance for a new kind of 2020hindsight?
[1] By 2012, had the nation learned nothing from its 2004 masochism?
[2] What does the future hold? 2020? 2028? 2036? …

They're Slow Enough Learners As It Is —
     How Many Betrayals Does It Take?:
Top reason to hope every Presidential Election goes against the incumbent: public education on the reality that it-doesn't-matter-who-gets-in will be imbibed in time-chunks of 4-year duration instead of 8.

Most intense Othello: Derek McGrath in Cheers episode “Homicidal Ham” (Season 3 Episode 5; 1983).

World's most expensive theatre: Washington.

Top oriental art-theft: Chiang Kai-shek in 1949 took as much art as he could carry when he fled to Taiwan. He wanted to take the Great Wall but couldn't find the right crate.

Last of the blackface acts: Obama.

Holy Retard!:
The childishness which fewest adults ever grow-up about: religion.

Least accurate fraction (demographically, fiscally, or locationally): referring to the rich as “the other half”.

First & best homosexual Western film (one of the very finest Westerns of any orientation) = Warlock (1959).
[But: why the title? Well, since a warlock is a male witch, one recalls jealous fey-Carmen's bitch at eye-wandering boyfriend Roger, in the 1968 film Producers: “O, Wicked Witch of the West”.]

Most educational throwaway line of the 3rd Millennium.
“… contrary to what you think (and as a member of the news media, I know exactly what you think) ….” (Dave Barry Internation Herald Tribune 2004/7/31 p.7.)

Most masculine mom of all time? Holy Mother Church.

Stage-name most likely to elevate an ecdysiast into overnight fame&wealth: Jackie-the-Stripper.

Most superfluous syllable: middle of “congressman”.

Most superfluous letter: the final letter of “troubled” as applied to juvenile deliquents.

Isn't Eternal Misery the Definition of Hell?
Cruelest “Noble Experiment” = the black mass-uplift process (which, like the MidEast Peace Process, will never end) whose “beneficiaries” will be miserable in perpetual frustration at never enjoying the social equality promised by Dembo pols who've no genuine empathy for the ever-gnawing pain which is only aggravated by their own unrealistic panderings' promises, none of which will come ever true, beyond creating the addicted victims' one steady, governmentally-remunerated job: voting Dembo.

Weirdest joke of 2009: the way to control metastasizing US medical costs is by legally compelling citizens to buy insurance from the very industry whose mega-wealth elected B.O. so he could put over such a scheme, intending that the new fiscal blood (from those who are currently choosing not to be bled by the industry) will pay back (many times over) the cost of electing their puppet. (Hey, look how well compulsory insurance brought down auto-insurance costs, right?) As for what mandates have already done to costs, see: DIO 16 [2009] ‡4 n.2 [p.39].

Van Meegeren: The Man Who Put Permanent Quotes Around “Art Expert”:
The most valuable painting in the world: Christ at Emmaus.
This painting was publicly hailed by a UNANIMOUS art world as the greatest of all paintings by Dutch master Jan Vermeer, from the time of its 1938 sensational 1st public display at Rotterdam's top museum. It was the darling of a proud art crowd for seven years. All the way until 1945 — when art-crowd-scorned Han van Meegeren boasted-confessed to having painted it himself — and having thereby hoaxed the world's “art experts”. After the truth's emergence, a US millionaire attempted to buy it. (John Godley Master Art Forger — the Story of Han van Meegeren 1950 p.219.) Never happened.
Why? Suggestion: the van-Meegeren-exposed leeches that control the art world will NEVER let this ultimate embarrassment out of their reportorial control. Said windbags draw that world's fiscal blood from uncultured nouveaus who think that paying millions to put Old Masters or “Modern ‘Art’ ” — or whatever is “expert”-certified as such — on their walls is guaranteed to make them overnight-cultured non-nouveaus. (Note that there is fortunately no equivalently corrupting factor in the world of serious music, though pseudo-experts infest it as well.)
The obvious fear is that Emmaus will be put on display and hyped as the chief exhibit in a demo that “experts” are too dumb and-or too corrupt to be trusted in their certifications, which are essential to a continuation of bringing in the blood.
Offer $200,000,000 for any other painting, you buy it. But not Emmaus. Which makes it the most expensive painting on Earth. Q.E.D. Just one more superlative achieved by:

The greatest of all art-forgers: Han van Meegeren.
[He is also the most vilified painter, ever, in revenge — and warning to any who might try to emulate him. Art-snot books call him a lousy artist (though his deft drawing “Deer” was so beautifully done that it “once could have been found in nearly every Dutch home” [E.Dolnick Forger's Spell 2008], a Nazi, a liar, a lush, and so on. None of which changes the fact that he proved (ibid p.153) his point better than anyone else ever has: art criticism on genuineness differs from voodoo primarily in better pay.]

And is Vermeer the most over-rated Old Master? Though he was had a gift for color, one wonders: is his price based on talent or on rarity? (Less than 40 of his paintings survive.) The books that call van Meegeren no-talent, while ritualistcally genuflecting to Vermeer as “The Master” (e.g., 2008's E.Dolnick & J.Lopez) [a] can't explain why van Meegeren's Emmaus was long ranked as better than any of Vermeer's dozens of paintings (perhaps because the latter, though meticulous, are boring?) and [b] uniformly fail to tell the reader that Vermeer was a close associate of lens-expert Leeuwenhoek (an inventor of the microscope and an executor of Vermeer's estate), and it is now widely understood that (at least in his later period, which produced most of his surviving work) Vermeer used camera obscura to lens-cast upon the canvas an image of the scene he was painting: a technical version of what moderns might call painting-by-the-numbers.
[The elevation of Vermeer to godhood (from 1866 on) had proceeded for roughly a century before anyone realized this.]
With Vermeer evaluations already in the fiscal stratosphere when his use of camera-obscura became generally known, no art-groupie could admit that this has any relevance at all to the alleged grandeur of Vermeer's paintings. (A view's imperviousness to incoming data measures its baselessness.) But, if the optical artifice is so irrelevant to Vermeer's stature, then: why do both 2008 books on van Meeregen & Vermeer fear to mention it?
[Indeed, Dolnick [p.65n] tries to deny Vermeer knew Leeuwenhoek — without even telling the reader what his concern is.]

Biggest theft in history [ere the ripoff that caused the 2008 crash]: kickbacks to the Senate Armed Services Committee (who account for all four 2008 presidential candidates) for voting a TRILLION dollars for a (superficially) dumb Iraq occupation.

When Initials Speak Louder Than Words:
Funniest evidence of ad-men's youth: the Obama-mafia internet fund-raising campaign's temporary 2011 reference to him as “B.O.” — before an oldster wised those wiseguys up to the letters' history: plenty of older-generationers still recall decades of Lifebuoy soap's ad-campaign to wipe out the worst scourge of mankind: “BEEEE-OOOOH” — a bass-echo-chamber rendition of the initials of “body odor”.

The universe's pinnacle in the achievement of Deaf&Dumbness: god.

Institutional Immortality —
     Yet More Proof of Black Superiority:
Question: A thousand years from now, what current organization is more likely than any other to be just as robust as it is today?
Answer: NAACP.

World's largest centipede = U.S.Senate, with 100 dog's hind legs.

Moving Ahead of “Awesome”:
Most gratingly overused expressions of the new millennium:
“at the end of the day”, having “issues”, “troubled” (for punks we used to just call “trouble”), “transparency”, “stepping up”.
[Also: expressions in films that make it seem normal or Cool to get drunk and even barf: “hammered”, “blow chunks” etc. If booz industry money could find its way into backing films, what effects might one expect?]

Funniest pressbabble = complaints out of the US media (while the US-puppet-invited other-side-of-the-planet-US imposes a bloody, increasingly hated foreign occupation on Iraq) labelling occasional born-next-door Iranian guerillas as “intruders” in Iraq.

Most widely-used IQ-test = burying the test-subject for years in an unalloyed pile of mental bull-manure, to see if he's got the smarts to escape & break free. The test is sometimes called “religious education.”

Only clown-guild that gets catatonically upset when laughed at: the MUFFIA.

Most entertaining jugglers: a difficult choice among press, pols, and theologians. With admiration (for both skill and brass), it can almost rank as a perverse kind of pleasure to watch any of this lot, whenever they're eternally explaining-and-explaining-and-explaining their product's year-after-year-after-year of somehow-not-quite-successful (just yet) anti-injustice efforts.
[Pols rank highest in wealth-sucking here; but that's partly because they collect money by force: taxes. But US citizens aren't (usually, yet) forced to choose a particular pol, newspaper, or religious cult. Which is why superior jugglers are in-demand and well-remunerated.]

Ravel's most popular music = Blaro.
[Ravel on the piece: Yes, it's popular. A shame it isn't music.]

Ruler with best musical taste = Hitler.

Least-concerned-for-democracy = NY Daily News p.1 headline (1964, in elation at military-coup ouster of democratically-elected populist president Goulart)

Least-concerned-for-democracy NY Post p.1 headline (2006/12/7, in deflation at Baker commission's electorate-salving suggestion of someday-maybe-lowering US direct presence in Iraq), plus photo-montages putting the faces of James Baker & Lee Hamilton on chimps:

(OK, chimps aren't monkeys. But, would “SURRENDER APES” or “APING MUNICH” on the front page have made this Murdoch-Pentagon organ look any classier?)

So-Wright:
The most succinct summing-up of the money-obsessed state of modern academe must be credited to sociologist G.Wright (1980s), stated in exasperation at DR's idealistic but ludicrously non-empirical misapprehension that truth is one of the aims of present-day universities:
“Academe is a racket.”

Best justification for people starving to death? Modern Artists.

Cleverest mag-cover headline: at the time of the exposure of the massive Reagan-administration fiscal chicanery of Ollie North (now FOX military commentator), involving arms-deals in the Iran-Iraq war (that merely killed ordmag a million people), Washington Monthly ran a cover (perhaps at the suggestion of the incomparable Art Levine?) showing Hungarian-accented dipso Zsa Zsa Gabor behind bars (doing her jail-stint for the war-crime of slapping a cop), beckoning Ollie with a come-hither look:

Classiest suicide-note: by Zsa Zsa's nth husband, urbane actor George Sanders, who lived life as a party. When old age took too much of the fun out of life, he wisely chose the philosopher's death, leaving a note reading:
“I am bored, so I am leaving.”

Most trips to the nut-hatch by a well-known (non-pol) thespian: Funny Farmer.
[How'd M.Brooks not get this into his 1982 film-bio Frances?
(Possession of an unDIOesque minim of good taste?)]

Tersest summing-up of what directors went through when dealing with Farmer, a spoiled doper with an abundance of entitlement and court convictions:
“The nicest thing I can say about Frances Farmer is that she is intolerable.” (Attributed to WmWyler.)

Dopiest coincidences:

1. Before the Iraq invasion to maintain the US' oil-addiction, the two wars which US politicians chose to fight were in Kosovo & Afghanistan. Both US interventions were on the side of factions that help flood the West with drugs for dope-addicts — which produce gigaprofits that can corrupt gov'ts with ease.

2. The 3rd (Iraq) of the 3 most recent US wars is over oil, an addiction having a coincidental resemblance to drugs — a huge wholesale-vs-retail markup: dirt-cheap-to-produce, but expensive-to-buy on-the-street — when an armed (always armed) cartel controls it and uses the vast markup-difference to buy media, elections, pols & thus gov'ts.
   [The oil cartel's army is largely the US army, which the oil-money-bought US gov't taxes the public to pay for. The only drug cartels that do not (directly) use weapons are religions, whose addictive substance is not carried in envelopes or tankers. They instead lend their opiates to the soldiers of others' armies — sort of a drug-franchising operation.]

3. The world's top heroine producer-nation is Afghanistan. The world's top heroine user-nation is the US. Whose top user-city is Baltimore, a major but near-bankrupt port on the Atlantic, distribution-conveniently inland up the Chesapeake Bay. The successful restauranteur brother of Afghanistan's president happens to reside in Baltimore.
   [Baltimore is one of the economically-troubled ports that Saudi-buddy Shrubya tried get Dubai ownership-bailout for.
   Note added 2008/12/9: Will not-either-Islamic Obama try bailing out the whole USA similarly?]

Best name for a potential Chesapeake Bay gambling-boat:
“Somebody Bet on the Bay”.

Best gamble on future financial takeover of the Chesapeake?
“Somebody Bet on Dubai”.

Funniest needless effort at over-acting: K.Hepburn in the 1933 Little Women's play-within-the-play. (As noted in the recent KH biography, DR's father Lou [later director of Baltimore's airport] met KH & her girlfriend when crossing the Atlantic. She mentioned him in her diary. His diary didn't notice her. Both knew Howard Hughes professionally.)

Most effective string serenade of all time? Herrmann's score for Psycho.
[Yes, it's ENTIRELY strings. (Which surprises most resultant still-quivering-showerphobics.)]

Least classy tennis great: Jimmy Connors.
Classiest tennis great: Venus Williams.

Most superfluous civil improvement: adding speed bumps to Baltimore's holey streets.

Top ethnic-pride racists = those who complain most about racism in others.

Most diversionarily wasted character in the history of printing: see Defynitions.

Lowest form of humor = punmanship.
[But some of us can't help ourselves….]

Best of man's intelligence = inductive logic: drawing theory from data.
(It will be the last type of intelligence to be bested by computers. If ever.)
It's obviously DR's very highest pleasure.

Talk About Carrying a Torch!
Ultimate Implacable Won't-Take-No Stalker = the Union Army under W.T.Sherman, which on 1865/2/17 torched the already-surrendered town of Columbia (Seat-of-The-Rebellion capital of South Carolina), for the SC legislature's reluctant-bride 1860 sin of divorcing out of its prior marriage with the North.
(DIO 4.3 [1994] ‡15 §C11 [p.125].)

Most generous peace-maker: W.T.Sherman.
(DIO 4.3 [1994] ‡15 n.13 [p.125].) Indeed, his generosity nearly got him arrested.

Most precise, refined, and transparently almost-funny race-conceit is one which DR has occasionally experienced among fellow-WASPs: the traditional middle-aptitude WASP's self-satisfaction that blacks are too dumb; Jews, too smart. But, thank-god: WASPs are just-right.

Greatest leg-puller = Moby Dick.

Most ubiquitous cons:
[a] US elections.
[b] Popular religion.
[c] Political-correctness on racial mean intelligence.
[The last of these cons follows the classic flim-flam artist's unvarying opening-ploy: appeal to the mark's vanity and greed. The con-man tells the victim he's a very smart guy, who deserves the desideratum the former will help the latter receive. (Someday. After a complex procedure which entails paying for the former's services.) When the smoke clears, guess which one got rich.]
Common to these three hoaxes:
[1] All are regarded by US rulers as necessary to the smooth functioning of the System from which they draw wealth and power.
[2] Their sturdy maintenance requires expensive and unsleeping media police protection — which is a broad hint at the obvious truth that all three are so logically feeble, they would crumble under the slightest open debate. That's why they're protected.

The Battle-Cry of … of … of ……… O, Yeah, FREEDOM:
Most pre-post-erous (in the literal sense of that word) excuse for going to war: Lincoln's GWBushly-late arrival at the slavery-issue (1863/1/1) as toppe war-justification (automatically demoting the original battle-cry). Some have said that the Emancipation-Proclamation had to wait for a big Northern victory. (If the 1862/9/17 Sharpsburg semi-draw could be so called.) But there might've been another slight hitch to an 1861 April BigFuss-About-Them-Evil-Confederate-Slavers, justifying mass-murderously invading the South to squush the evils of slavery, namely: throughout 1861, slavery was still legal in Lincoln's own Washington, DC. It was only outlawed there a year, over a year after Fort Sumter's shelling, in 1862. (Lincoln [whose wife had been a slave-owner, like Grant's] signed a bill on 1862/4/17 that ensured its end in Washington. But the fade-out was promised to be accomplished only gradually, a promise that of course wasn't kept — except to the extent that: Gen.Sherman was never going to burn slave-holders' homes in Washington, DC.

Worst-Best Lawyer-Joke = Congress.

Tanks have always been notorious as rolling coffins, but: deliberately setting up a library which is already being joked about as the GWBush Think-Tank…?

Best empirical argument in favor of some fundies' belief in devolution to explain-away (without accepting Darwin) monkeys' human resemblance: the House of Windsor.

Greatest key to happiness = reasonable expectations.
[This unasked-for advice is especially aimed at world-saving idealists. whom DR tends to admire, empathize-with, and encourage — but who too-often start out all-knowingly knowing absolutely nothing of what gov'ts are really about — and thus (due to such cemental-schiz detachment from reality) tend to end up as burned-out, hyper-frustrated, or dictators.
Woody Allen on world-saving: takes too long & too many lawyers. And one recalls ultra-conservative P.J.O'Rourke's perceptive comment that if you ask leftists about the US gov't, they say how perfectly awful it is. But when you ask them for solutions to social problems, they say: the gov't.]
Those who see DR as overly pessimistic about the future should know that he has led an unusually happy, productive life by adjusting to an unideal world, even while remaining an idealist — but one who is nonetheless disappointed by those who give idealism a kook name (so that pragmatic folk can just scoff at “world-savers”), by improvidently pursuing — regardless of evidence — unthought-out paths-to-nirvana chimeras, thereby squandering their idealistic energy on unlikely, spectacularly inefficient (DIO 4.2 [1994] ‡9 n.44 [p.90]), ultimately counter-productive, or even outright-impossible sisyphan projects. (Instead of applying their talents & drive sensibly, towards attainable ends.) Such tragic waste can only help idealists' enemies. Which goes a long way towards explaining why said enemies are getting ever more dominant.]

Best proof that dogs and cats can interbreed: the lapdog-copycat “science press”.

Only Congress Could Build Even a Wall With a Loophole:
Best evidence that the half-way-across US-Mexico wall won't work: the fact that the US' business-puppet-theatre Congress is building it.

Brightest network newsman = Dylan Ratigan. No competition.

Former brightest network newsman = Keith Olbermann.
(Even if he is a Dembo slut.)
[What is the surest test* for spotting genetic-Dembos?]

Genius of the Century: Einstein.

Honest Pundit of the Century: Bertrand Russell.

Mass Murderers of the Century: Philip Morris & Hitler. In that order.

Best one-syllable word for Propaganda: “ News”.

GROW UP!
Most selfevidently-infantile fantasy of all time =
belief in an invisible celestial parent.

Most explicitly self-worshipping rental = a shrink.

Most implicitly self-insulting rental = a shrink.

Oddest invert-irony. Dead-heat between several bizarrities:
[a] The more god dumps on poor folk, the more they love him; and the more god coddles rich folk, the more they privately go agnostic.
[Bertrand Russell oft emphasized this revealing irony.]
[b] Only 20% of US voters tell pollsters that they trust Congress — even while the same voters usually re-elect 90% of congressmen.
[With the same illogic that leads most to believe they live in the best nation (their family's, what-a-coincidence) & partake of the best religion (ditto), voters imagine THEIR district's congressman is the lovable exception. The apparent contradiction is due to propaganda-hypnotism by each district's local press — which is invariably owned by the same rich-rulership-klan that picks the “exceptional” pols whom the press sells to the public as the-little-guy's-friends.
Question: can any other theory explain the above-cited gross 20%-vs-90% contradiction?!]
[c]  Much of the Dumbos' fundie-constituency rigidly believes the universe is run by a just, kind, & fair god, yet many of these fundies suspect god cruelly created blacks unequal in IQ.
Meanwhile, the Dembos' anti-fundie intellectual constituency believes in random natural-selection, yet non-evidentially insists — without (revealingly) admitting any possibility of error here — that all races' mean intelligences just-happened (by a miracle of super-Biblical proportions) to come out exactly equal. (DIO 4.2 [1994] ‡9 n.40 [pp.89-90].)

Guff & Guffaws:
Most obvious omission of words = Bush 2005/12/12 claim that the US must help Iraq in the “hour of need” — should read “hour of the US' own oil-addict need”.
[The 1st president George's shade must have especially guffawed at the transparency of this particular Shrubya lie. From Washington's 1796 Farewell Address: “It is folly in one nation to look for disinterested favors from another…. Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.”]

Strumpet-With-a-Trumpet:
Most Elaborate Virginal Airs by a Slut: the US press.

Most Elaborate MercyMasks on Ruthless Ambition: Rulerships.

Most Elaborate Eternal-Principles Pose by Self-Preserving Chameleon:
Roman church.
[However, one notes that despite French rule, Tahiti yet lingers in the same majority-Protestant limbo it had in early Brit missionary days. I like to think that this has established an exception to the above comment.]

Stinkiest gap in US history between advertisement and product: BObama.

Most blithely selfish people = European smokers.

Hey, Who Left Out “This”?
Most common invisible ellipsis: US money's “In … God We Trust”.

Wordfumbling Decades Years Later — and Counting…:
History's longest hangover = G.W.Bush.

Dumbest answer to the mystery of existing: god.

World's leading male prostitution ring: U.S. Congress.
(DIO 2.3 [1992] ‡6 §D6 [p.93].)

Most impressive case of so-dumb-as-to-not-even-realize-own-dumbness: history-of-astronomy's political center.

Didn't Know the Oil Cartel Had a Jokewriter, Did You?
Sickest & slickest synonym for eternal hate-war: “peace process”.

Ultimate DeadBeat Dad:
Heavenly parent-creator who stays eternally out of sight, out of edible (or financial) assistance, out of words, & out of town.

Best goofy caper film = Hot Rock (1972).

Best Western = Warlock (1959).

Most TragiComic Lie: the “liberality” of the media.
(See, e.g., TV Guide 1993/9/25; also DIO 2.1 [1992] ‡1 §G [p.7].)

Most pathetic philosophy: the lotterati's vision of the universe as a place where god rewards faith through bouncing ping-pong balls.
(Close 2nd: astrology.)

Most profitable protection racket: national armies.

Logical Brains vs Bleating-Hearts:
Greatest enemy of Dem-religion-egalitarians' rigid, sheeplike, censorial resistance to even the bare possibility that genetic factors partially underlie consecutive millennia of world-wide mass-non-advancement of blacks (despite a wide spectrum of environmental circumstances) = Occam's Razor.

Slickest Bait&Switch: US establishment asked for anti-racist Equal-Rights integration (Brown v. Board & MLKing's dream-speech) and then — when such laws were passed (but didn't work as expected) — 180°-switched to demands for racist Affirmative Action laws and quotas.
[Likewise, the increasingly common (perhaps over-optimistic) hope-alibi that solving US race inequities is going to take ordmag a century. If only these little footnotes had been stated up-front by those who pushed not just for racial integration but what it's actually been in the US, namely, forced racial integration. (For the non-rich, anyway.) Our ever-guiding media tend to omit the key word. (Unless euphemistically referring to some plan or other as “court-ordered”. I.e., ultimately backed by guns, as in Little Rock, etc.)
PseudOld-maxim DR invented: in a social controversy, when you have to pull out a gun, well — your logical persuasion has obviously failed.]

Most hypocritical pseudoargument: growth-forever plutocrats who preach that there's no need for population-control, because there's so much area/person on Earth now — even while the very same fat-growth-preachers hog so much land for themselves that the rest of humanity is packed into cities which capitalism has made into overdense and overnervous (albeit productive) rat-cages.

Best Flipflop Juggling-Act Award goes to our Minimum-Leader Legacy-President warlord: world's #1 broken-record flipflop-accuser oil-state-native Shrubya, trying to get his story straight on exactly WHY he decided to invade Iraq.

Matthew 26.26:
Best summary of Shrubya Antoinette's attitude toward the rich US' millions of malnourished citizens:

Nun Dare Call It Fun:
The stock-joke female alibi for getting pregnant has usually been: “But-but-but we only did it once.” So the Alltime-Funniest-Alibi-for-Unexpected-Pregnancy-Award has got to go to Jesus' stage-mom, THE nun-paragon of all time — the Virgin Mary: “But-but-but we only did it nunce.”

Ultimate social-climb try: pushy socialite 17yr-old Baroness Marie Vetsera's 1889/1/30 suicide pact with the Austro-Hungarian Empire's Prince Rudolph, to become his one eternal Princess.

Ultimate social-climb strikeout: after the co-suicide, the very name of Marie Vetsera (previously Vienna's fashion-queen and “Turf Angel” of the horse-racing clique) was thoroughly, meticulously expunged from Austrian history for ordmag a century.

The Wages of Pushiness?:
Emperor riskiest to be connected-to. Austrian Emperor Franz Josef 1.
Great-great-aunt Marie Antoinette guillotined (1793).
Brother Max executed by firing squad (1867).
Son&heir Rudolph murder-suicided (1889).
Wife Sisi assassinated (1898).
Nephew&heir Franz Ferdinand shot by Austrian subject Princip (1914).
And one or two of FJ's subjects died in battle, after he decided to teach the Serbs a lesson and triggered WW1….

Longest-time out-to-lunch-when-needed. The award goes to god, for eternity.

History's most immortal chiseler: Moses.
(DIO 10 [2000] §T1 [p.76].)

World's first conjoined triplets = Bush-Cheney-Pentagon.

Most well-integrated US neighborhood? The Hollywood screen.

Least well-integrated US neighborhood? Hollywood, California.

Shotgun wedding of all time? War Between the States.

Most reluctant date of all time? John the Baptist.

Most telling vote? Don't. (DIO 8 [1998] ‡5 §B3 [p.46].)

The happiest moment in the modern history of the Japanese and British Empires was exactly the same historical event. What was it?

Berlin's luckiest WW2 break: losing the War before the A-Bomb was ready.
(We all know the story of the list of 5  Japanese cities that could be bombed in 1945 August: Hiroshima, Nagasaki, etc. But, had Germany been presenting a serious danger to the world in late 1945, the list would have been: Berlin, Berlin, Berlin, Berlin, or Berlin.)

Apostrophic apotheoses:
[a] Coughin' Nails.
[b] 'laus von Bülow. [The case that he was innocent of murder is so strong that this was likely a DR mis-call.]
[c] 'rap Music.
[DR regularly hands out copies of a CD he burns, “Rhap Music” bearing rhapsodies of Sergei Rachmaninov (Russia), Ralph Vaughan Williams (England), Hugo Alfven (Sweden), & Bohuslav Martinu (Bohemia).]
[d] TV 'snews.

Latest of Numerous Occasions Generating DR Humility:
DR just ran across some wise DR advice (linked just-below) to screenwriters, which he was slow to realize that he himself could be seen as not heeding.
Previously at this place was a posting of dumb&crude apostrophic DR “humor”, CLEARLY damned as “Catastrophic” but deliberately misunderstood by detractors (as DR was too carelessly improvident to not anticipate). Despite discomfiture with a removal which could be deemed paternalistic, DR does not apologize for the original posting, since exercising free speech requires no such gesture. And DR is a lifetime lower-case liberal, so unchanneled speech is a top priority, contra its leading current enemy: Upper Case Liberals.
[The removal will mollify no critic.
(Those interested in the pre-removal text may contact Johns Hopkins University's proud History-of-science Dep't [telephone 410-516-7501], which keeps close tabs on DR's personal activity, while unable to find mathematical fault with his various exposures of its field's shuns and irrepressibly goofy science.)]
Source of DR's overlate realization: his 2016 advice to Hollywood (citing 3 horrid, widely viewed recent examples) was that its fictional PC-dreama movies cease (exceeding even Maxine Waters' call for restaurant-harassing the unwoke) repeatedly and visually INSTRUCTING fellow PCers to viciously MAIM or KILL PC-defying insulters — instead encouraging offenders just to choose more mature language. A good idea more often than not (best applied case-by-case) — if not forced as a censorially rigid rule aimed at creating a SafeSpace from all insult & even from the veriest “MICROaggressions” — with the perversely, ludicrously contra-Darwin aim of strengthening the protected by cloistering from the slightest bruising.

Now, let's immediately put to bed any case that the original posting's removal hints that DR is altering his unwoke but ever evolving-evidence-atuned racial unorthodoxy.
[Which is guided by his wish that — if read a century hence — his writings will be understood as arrived-at with scrupulously unprejudiced honestly — not via fear&propaganda-triggered conformity to (present) society's passing decrees of what constitutes “prejudice”.]

Tholing Dissent & Satire:
By contrast to centrists' and PCers' above-cited one-sided skew, DIO encourages multilateral discourse (not clique-vs-clique divisiveness & even speech-curtailment). DIO routinely cites all sides' literature, typically (even during satires) complimenting any&all detectable instances of critics' correctness, perceptions, skills, intelligence, and/or contributions, e.g., over EIGHTY times in recent DIO 22 [2018], (even while skewering many of those same detrators' mis-inductions & data-tamperings). This, despite, e.g., thirty consecutive years of failure by the pseudo-refereed Journal for the History of Astronomy to credit a single DIO scientific-historical achievement (of dozens already ironclad-verified), due to archonal insistence on its contra-academic, blackball-hermetic rule: cite the non-citers but don't cite the citers (DIO 1.2 [1991], ‡9 §C11d [p.104]). As subsequently noted (ibid §J7 [p.140]) in history-of-science-land, “For the archon-angels above, double-norms are the single-norm”

Devoted PC Soldiers may be unaware that Rawlins is of the aggrieved-American-Indian persuasion (genetically 90%-cousins to equally-aggrieved Latinos) and glories in being called “redskin” — and is also partly aggrieved-black (descended from an African c.1730), yet will point out to BLMers that DR's Indian cousins were enslaved in America before blacks, “thanks” to Columbus — just as [a] half-white Obama (who'll ne'er do a DNA-test without 1st privately checking its outcome) and [b] George Zimmerman are [a] aggrieved-“black”(?) and [b] aggrieved-Latino, respectively. Rawlins is also, in contrast to educated women (& even most European waitresses!), a pathetic idiot at foreign languages, but he does not thereby resort to nurture-alibis or whining about Female-Privilege or like excuses — but faces that he's simply missing half a brain and tries to make do with what's left. While scorning Talibanishment of Confederate symbols (esp. as US immigration deliberate-laxity vies for importing a whole new slave-class!), he considers the Confederacy a cruel “armèd jail” for blacks (Getting Away With Non-Murder [2014] §C2 [p.5]), and has publicly for decades asked “why would anyone be proud of white skin?”. DIO-shunners&haters will reliably ignore these data, as well as DIO's cracks (elsewhere) at a GOP criminal-President who rode the white Silent Majority to the Presidency. And will ignore DR's original creation of a new, educational, totally original fairy-tale exposing implicit folly in racist-hate. And his perception of media-unadmitted black racism, also of confused racism. And his rechristening of Fox, the Pentagon network (whose brightest 2018 star, however, is war-questioner Tucker Carlson). And jibe at homosexuality's occasional excesses even while anti-persecution (DIO 16 [2009] ‡4 fn 8 [p.40]). And at hyper-feminism, despite The Inequity Inequity”, & a proposed bumpersticker (from DIO 8 [1998] ‡5 §E1 [p.47]) and DIO 4.3 [1994] ‡13 §B4 [p.113] on detective-plot crafting which happily shatters gender-stereotypes re brains. An entire volume of DIO is devoted to vindication of a brilliant, epochal, reputedly-black detective (DIO 18 [2014], footnote 57 [p.15]) (the greatest of all literary detectives), and another complete volume is a scholarly analysis of a relativity-questioner, written by a Brazilian university professor (DIO 17 [2011]). Despite such a record, some will inevitably misinterpret silly jokes' intent as selectively inimical, elitist, etc.
It was fortunate that such infrequent excesses in “humor” are debut-published by an oft-jocular forum that ever-optimistically tries to encourage happiness, laughter, ethnic peace, and unbigoted thinking via postjudice — and eschews divisiveness, prejudice, & hate (e.g., DIO 8 [1998] ‡5 §I2 & fn 42 [p.55]). An organ asking that no matter how much one may be (possibly with DIO-recommended postjudice?) openly skeptical of US media's anti-science, religious-superstitious decree of exact mean racial equality (and its possible nontrivial secular effect on US cities), one must ever remember&apply common sense and fairness (DIO 4.2 [1994] ‡9 fn 41 [p.90]; and ponder the rest of ‡9): “Given that numerous individual whites … & Orientals [& Scandinavians & Indians] are dim, while plenty of blacks [& other traditionally mistreated groups] are brilliant, it is stupid & wrong (and offensive) to judge any individual's intelligence [by her/his group's stats or traditions or] skin color or gender, or any other nonmental index. Even if it be true that there is a mass-statistical-correlation of that index to IQ [a subject DR analyses, pokes fun at, & super-ironically extrapolates], the point is irrelevant to a particular person [most especially] if that individual is an achiever. (Analogously, DIO 1.1 [1991] ‡2 fn 5 [p.12].)”
Ever emphasize the limitlessly-poisonous fault of character it takes to hate any person or group.
[As of 2020: by unspurned accidents, it happens that DR's chief fiscal advisor is black, and his doctor (G.P.) for the last decade is Islamic.]

Music & Civilization's Trend:
Though eschewing the monotonous beat common to 'rap “music”, American-Indian-Black DR appreciates various popular tunes (though he doesn't collect much pop) and mourns systematic waning of general appreciation of the uplifting power of such as Beethoven\&Brahms, As popular musical preference descends to the low end (country, shrieking, MTV, metal, etc) DR doesn't want to BAN any art. Or idea. Or any person. Not even those who want to ban him. (Easy prediction: the present removal will have zero effect on their ferocity.)
DR lampoons rock&Bach (DIO 16 [2009] ‡4 §A2 [p.39]) — not to mention: Haydn (DIO 4.2 [1994] ‡9 fn 15 [p.82]), Elvis (and that is SERIOUS sacrilege in Trump country), demeans pieces by Maurice Ravel and even the great pioneer Hector Berlioz. DIO 18 [2014] §§T24&T26 [pp.51-52]) has questioned Mozart's authorship (along with Shakespeare's).
Decades ago H.L.Mencken was being slandered as anti-Jewish. (Which DIO isn't [though stubborn-heretically won't join in shutting-up those who are], even while concerned re Jews' sometime understandably-NeverAgain overattraction to censorship and/or balkanization.) Harriss commented: so-what — hell, Mencken was anti-everything! In DIO's case, while we prefer to exalt the brilliant and honest minds that have advanced mankind, it would be accurate to say that, for the rest, DR's inclusively disrespectful and utterly atrocious humor (original or relayed) is applied near-universally, e.g., to Bush-Two, Obama, & Prez Trump, and prior Trump. (Re Bush-One we also relayed that we saw the most properly-attired ladies, at the 1989/11/12 abortion-rights march-on-Washington, carried placards telling the Prez “BUSH: STAY OUT OF MINE”. Tho that's blunter than anything DIO has published, none of DIO's illwishers object, because these professional “anti-haters” are themselves consumed with hate of anything they view as impedimenta to their crusade to bring the blessings of Baltimore, San Francisco, Detroit & to the shrinking remainder of the noncrimeridden US.) To exempt from humor such profitlessly media-protected groups as DR-cousin-Latinos or DR-cousin-blacks, would be either patronizing (a factor in persistent group-failure?) or racist or both — and would reflect a common terror of being bullied into silence by mob-rule. (What else but fear of threats, violence, and-or No-Justice-No-Peace “peaceful” demonstrations and mass-killings at public events [gaybar & Boston marathon] explains why Mainstream-Media comedians & cartoonists can routinely spoof the Church, fundies, & Trumpies — but seldom blacks and NEVER-EVER-EVER Moslems?)
The exceptionality of DIO's occasional daring comments (those accused of being offensive or even race-hating) serve a little-noted purpose of (by contrast to the timid effusions of the cowed) shock-demonstrating the power of “Black Privilege” & “Moslem Privilege” [pardon some weird black-humor] showing by contrast how totally the rich-owned press is shielding their Moslem&black exploitees from the slightest imagined-bruising [WHILE MAKING BILLIONS off their cheap labor & pittance-welfare-bought bloc-voting for pseudo-“Progressive” (eternal-poverty-subsidizing) establishment political parties], privately and cynically as sure as Jesus that they'll never mass-rise above that ever-useful status — and so will continue indefinitely in mass-pain and mass-humiliation that no politician and few balanced journals other than DIO give a damn about curtailing.
All of which invites and requires resistance from those few who can still speak out. Perhaps future generations will appreciate that current suppression of free speech in the US did not cow or con everyone. (The rebel White Rose tradition under prior fascism lives on in our far-inferior hands.)
No joke on this site should necessarily be taken as anything but playful. (Virtually any target is fair-game. This is what humorists do. Even the truly atrocious ones.) E.g., our gibe at Cuba was simply humor; DR has been sympathetic (see DIO 4.2 [1994] ‡8 fn 24 [p.76]) to the plight of the Cuban gov't's defiance of Western might since its 1959 inception — similarly: our reference (DIO 8 [1998] ‡5 §P10 [p.61]) to the Hitler Youth as the Nazi Totsies or the Goy Scouts may be in DIO-typical bad taste; but DR's father Lou and 2nd cousin Lynn Pitcher died in WW2, and among DR's fave people are Einstein, Bohr, Mahler, \& the Marx Brothers. So what sort of nut would seriously suppose 2 dumb jokes show he's pro-Nazi?

The Magificent Candidate-Force:
Best magic trick = A US “election”: Pick a pol. Any pol….
[DR's Plunkittesque view of US democracy is indeed analogous to magicians' mirth at the average sucker, who really believes that HE is choosing the card-any-card. Magicians know & practice so many dozens of methods of pre-determining the “chosen” card that this entire branch of illusionist-fraud has its own name: the “Card-Force”. (I.e., the card is forced upon the victim even while the poor sap believes he made a free selection.) So should we henceforth refer to US “elections” as the Candidate-Force? (Or Cad-Force??) The main difference is one which only goes to show that US elections are a higher form of magic than card-tricks. If a card-trickster wishes to try matching US elections, for sheer magificence (no typo), then let him show his next victim two jokers, and convince him that they are ACTUALLY different cards.] (See Plunkitt.)

Silliest Redundances: “careless smoking” and “religious nut”.
[Mass-religion's reps often mirrorlessly sling the latter redundance at competing superstitions' believers.]

Humanity's most unique miracle: Wagner.
[Who could have died in the Baltic storm that inspired 1843's Flying Dutchman; or for his revolutionary activities of 1848, when — with a price on his head — he barely escaped to Switzerland with his life and his piano. [And, oh-yes, his ever-underappreciated 1st wife.]) Think on the forever-loss to culture which his premature death would have incurred.
Similar to the nasal near-disaster of Wagner's equivalent in aggressiveness (and royal-treasure-spending), Tycho Brahe. Hooke's and others' discovery that physical law applies throughout the universe comprised a mathematization of Kepler's 3 Laws, the 1st two of which were discovered via Tycho's high-level astronomical observations — which would not have occurred had the duel-sword cutting off much of the already-pugnacious young Tycho's nose (1566/12/29) instead cost him his proximate eyes. See Tycho's 1004-Star Catalog, DIO 3 [1993] n.5 [p.4]: “ponder how close [Danish nobleman M.] Parsbjerg's swinging sword must have come, to the eyeballs of him who was about to revolutionize observational science.”]

Greatest monuments to mass paranoia = tie between:
[a] Churches. [b] Affirmative Action.

Worst Hollywood Lipsync: “We're doing the best we can.”

Most promising candidates for US Olympic Diving Team: Foreman & Moorer.

The universe's smallest entity? Trailing team's strike-zone in TV-era major league bizball. (Best massage in the universe: same answer.)

Unsubtlest introduction to a specious argument? A dead-heat tie on this one:
[A] “It's easy to say....” and
[B] “I'm sure you'll agree....”

Twentieth Century Bests:

Flop of the Century: Communism.

World Cancer of the Century: Capitalism.

Events of the century 1903-2003: 1903/12/17, 1914/6/28, 1931/9/18, 1941/6/22, 1941/12/7, 1945/8/6&9, 1969/6/20, 2001/9/11.

Mass Murderers of the Century: Tobacco-Industry and Hitler. In that order.

Worst volcano = Mt. St. Hell.

Greatest US arctic explorer = Robert Peary.

Ablest Science Hoaxer of the 20th Century = Robert Peary.
[DIO 1.1 [1991] †4 §F2: “Peary sacrificed, suffered, and devoted his life to seeking undying fame. And he has won it, by his magnificence in exploration and prankery. Grand success at either takes skill and courage. He had both in epic proportions.”]

Greatest of all polar explorers: Roald Amundsen.
[“once one clears away the also-rans and the hoaxers, Amundsen's record of priorities exceeds that of all other polar explorers combined. He was:
1. First to winter in the Antarctic.
2. First through the Northwest Passage.
3. First to the South Pole.
4. First circumnavigator of the Arctic Ocean.
5. First to the North Pole.
6. First to the Ice Pole (the Arctic Ocean point farthest from land-masses).
7. First to cross the Arctic Ocean.
8. First polar explorer to die attempting to save the life of an enemy.”
(DIO 10 [2000] p.3.)]

Two Quick Lessons on the Trustworthiness of “History”:

1. Purest idealist in all history: anonymous. [Bertrand Russell on Tom Paine: some worldly wisdom is required. even to secure praise for the lack of it. (Cited at D.Rawlins Peary … Fiction [1973] p.56, regarding the relative obscurity of upright explorer Adolphus W. Greely.)
   One can see here a parallel to jolly Obama having enough fatcat contributions (and their media) as to secure praise for being the product of non-fatcat contributions.
   (The $200 or less folk actually gave only 26% of the election-buying swag, and even this giving was only inspired by the sort of massive media hype that non-filthy-rich citizens could not afford — much less control for months on end.)
   Oh well, a myth is as good as a smile.

2. Bravest soldier in all history: anonymous.

Smartest race = blacks.
Irrefutable 2step proof:
[1] We know that the Dembo party is the best party, since more perfessers vote Dembo than Dumbo.
[2] But we also know that blacks have a higher percentage (c.90%) than even academics, of voting for this superior party. Thus we at last have solid, dispositive evidence of mental racial superiority, which can be measured simply, quantitatively, and unambiguously. (Unlike all that dead-end IQ nonsense — which we know is utterly worthless, since the singular media tells us so.)

Smartest US President = Abraham Lincoln.

Caused deaths of more US citizens than any other President (nearly as many as all Presidents combined) = Abraham Lincoln.

Top Group-Narcissists: Japanese, Jews, & Germans.

Most Justified in Group-Narcissism: Japanese, Jews, & Germans.

Suffered Most for Group-Narcissism: Japanese, Jews, & Germans.

Killed tens of millions of alleged racial inferiors 1931-1945: Japanese & Germans.

The most expensive product manufactured anywhere today:
“Reasonable doubt”.

Top something-for-nothing crocks? — heaven and gambling. Which turn out (in Pascal's Casino) to be THE SAME THING.

The universe's richest mud-mine: a controversy's last ditch.

Those least able to speak freely = speakers.
[Namely, those who reach the most citizens (& thus influence them): newsmen, pols, profs.
See DIO's first Germ:
“The more widely trusted an institution, the less trustworthy it is.”]

Least reliable friend: god.

God's greatest neglect: to exist.

Favorite bones = trombones, which Beethoven (in his Op.86 and Op.67) introduced to the modern orchestra the same day, 1808/12/22 (both works), thus incorporating the great deep-brass power that shrill trumpets can never achieve.

Dembos' favorite fruit? The impeach. [You expected something else?]

Lappiest lap-dog = the “science press”.
[If an eminent archon proposed that 2 + 2 = 5, few science-press types — many of them ENGLISH majors, after all! — would dare question it without consulting with several other archons already depended-upon for decades as gurus and brain-doubles.]

Worst sports insult: Jim Lampley (MSNBC-TV 2000/9/20) spoke of cricket as a “sleep-inducing version of baseball”.
[On the other side, BBC called softball just “baseball without the spitting”: Wash Post 00/9/28.]
Besides being implicitly anachronistic, this was an insult on the level of describing a guy as too sluggish to fake it as a corpse.

Bush III:
Biggest single deception of the 2008 campaign to elect BObama president: NOT BUSH. (See DIO 18 [2014] n.168 [p.55].)

Pharmaceutical Industry Icon:
Pharmacist with most tranquillizer-customers = pope.

History's only instance where a boat answered a man's question. Polar explorer J.Charcot named his ship Pourquoi Pas? Why Not? Later, during his explorations, the boat sank and killed him.

Biggest joke of all time: a tie. Life. Or Death.

Ultimate breast-man = milk-drinker.

Top Blowhard of the Century = Bill Clinton?

Top Blowsoft of the Century = Monica?

Most hyperactively short attention-span: press.
[Exception: drip-torture-bore propaganda-stuffing of the public skull. I.e., anything not subject to the standard short-memory = a celeb's and-or pol's press agent is paying for it.]

Funniest incessant US medium-drumbeat pseudo-fresh story: we haven't had enough race-dialog.

Best at the capitalist game: well, it isn't Adam Smith's descendants.
[WASPs set up capitalist US, and Germans set up capitalist Germany — and both thought it was a great idea, and damned Karl Marx-inspired communism as a Jewish plot to make the rich give back to the poor all the money capitalists had worked so hard and so long to squeeze out of their exploitees. All was well until the arrogant Gentile capitalists found that Jews were better than Gentiles at their own capitalist game. Then all sorts of extra barriers were concocted & set up to exclude Jews. Nazi Germany&Austria just decreed an arbitrary halftime-change-of-rules, to grab back what Jews had won while beating Gentiles in the capitalist game Gentiles had initially agreed to.
(Whether current quite disproportionate Jewish fiscal infusions into US political parties should affect the foregoing view, others can judge.)
It's an old pattern: if we win, we keep our gains. If we lose, we cancel the game or even steal back our losses. Who would play games or anything else with con-artists like that?
(Reminds one of gambling at heads-we-win-tails-you-lose casinos, which, e.g., bar card-counters.)]

Biggest holding-pen for criminals? It's sometimes called Los Angeles.

Best doubletake of 1998. Monica was calling the First Willy “el Schmucko” & “the Big Creep” because: he was cheating. On HER. (DIO 8 [1998] ‡5 §H6 [p.50].) Either BJ or ML would do anyone. So, when they met, the outcome was inevitable.

Yet-to-come lightest boxing division = fleaweight.

Best Mutt&Jeff act: Roman church's Jeff to the IRA & anti-abortion terrorist-bomber Mutts. Besides Herblock (on the latter issue), no press-person dares be an appropriately severe theatre critic.
[See Herblock's cartoon (Wash Post 1994/8/3 p.A16), showing picketers innocently saying “Shooting doctors? Bombing clinics? — how could people think of doing such things?” They simultaneously carry signs reading “Abortion is MURDER”, “Baby-killing doctors must be STOPPED!”, “Never mind what's LEGAL, this is a fight for LIFE!”, “Abortion Clinics are DEATH chambers.”
It's such bold & elucidating cartoons that pose the greatest danger to the US mestablishment's pompous claims to legitimacy — so it's little wonder that cartoonists are now being systematically laid-off nation-wide by US newspapers.]
Of course, Islam has lately taken over the Mutt&Jeff championship-belt, along with the bunnyrabbit religion one as well.

Best title for Blackboard Jungle [1955 film] scene in which Vic Morrow trashes Richard Kiley's phonograph-disk collection: “records were made to be broken”.

Earless leader = G.W.Bush.

Propositions which inspire the greatest certainty in the face of utter absence of positive evidence (plus serial confrontations with discouraging evidence):
tie between omnipotent beneficent deity and mass racial equality. (The facing of such averages should cause no mistreatment of any individual, given the considerable size and variety of talents' overlap: DIO 4.2 [1994] ‡9 fnn 41-44 [p.90], and DIO 8 [1998] ‡5 §I2 & fn 42 [p.55].) p
Naturally, neither can be sustained without unremitting establishment-forcefed propaganda, the very existence of which proves the positions' intellectual vulnerability: DIO 4.2 [1994] ‡9 §R6 [p.89].

Best giveaway-indicator consumable for insecure-ostentatious-pretentiousness: tie between [a] overwhelming-stinko cigars & [b] underwhelming-taste shellfish, whose main positive is serving as refined-sauces-delivery devices.

Jokesters' fave political trend: political parties nominating handsome men for the Presidency (to attract the fem vote) — and then wondering why these same men keep getting into trouble with the same magnetized gender.
(DIO 8 [1998] ‡5 §H29 [p.54].) [Obama the admirable exception proving the rule.]

Biggest Conspiracy:
Since black intelligence is just as high as any other group's, we know that only an eternal & worldwide sneaky racist conspiracy can explain why blacks have been at the bottom of virtually every mixed civilization, all over the planet, since the dawn of history. [Though, how does being hoodwinked for thousands of years work out to a defense of black intelligence?]

Most common self-slander: incumbent pols calling themselves “experienced”.

Most Indiscriminate Promotion-Slogan for Latest Chapter in Serial-Invasion of US by Failed States: “Dreamers”
Dreamer = Einstein.
Dreamer = Ben Carson.
Dreamer = Nikolas Cruz, internet posting anticipation of ultimate 2018 Valentine's Day mass-murder .
Dreamer = Obama.
Dreamer = Stalin.
Dreamer = Trump.
Dreamer = human.
Dreamer = media boardmember ETHICALLY objecting to propaganda posing as news.

Shortest trip: filmic Ed Wood complaining (near end of Ed Wood): “You're driving me crazy!”

Boobs of the Century: Peary's Geographical-Society North-Pole-Certifiers. (You were expecting another answer?)
[But, so as not to disappoint, we provide a joke told by R.Newton: when Gov.Warner & rent-a-wife Liz Taylor appeared on a balcony at an election-victory party, it is said that someone yelled out: “There they are, the 3 biggest boobs in Virginia.”

Silliest waste of metal: traffic-signs reading “No Right Turn on Red”.
[Suggested way to eject them from Baltimore: charge that their ubiquity in the city is racist. Since the city is mostly black, accuse the city gov't of implying citizen-stupidity, since the signs are undeniably paternalistic. Try this é and the blight of NRTOR signs would vanish yesterday.]

Force vs Farce:
Century's Least-Remarked Contrast: Naked-Force-Steel-Resolve to Integrate (the Poor's) Schools vs. Bleeding-Heart-Wimp Immigration-PseudoControl Farce.

Twentieth Century's most transparent US fake justice: the rich FORCEably integrating all high schools except the rich ones. (DIO 8 [1998] ‡5 §I2 [p.55].) And doing so at the point of a gun. First place in the previous century: Lincoln's 1861-1865 war, in which the northern rich, after years of promoting immigration (to break workers' wage demands), then used the resultant poor-unemployed (their own overpopulation-hydra) to invade the South — while they themselves dodged the draft for $300/head.

Most Shortsighted PseudoSolutions of the Century: Gun Control & Pro-Life.

Most Durable Thought-Controllers of the Century: the Church & Mad Ave.

Longest-running soaper: The Olympics.

Best Potential Product Promos:

1. Superior wigs&toupees: The Rugs Nobody Beats.

2. Quiet & unconventional exclusive men's club: The-Scene-But-Not-Herd.

3. Apt team-name for fast, loud, obnoxious smart-A jocks:      The Roaring Ass-Hauls.

4. Ad for glass beverage-containers' ad over cans:
   Taste the difference: it's uncanny.
   [This idea was actually given to DR's friend R.L.Smith (then with J.Walter Thompson) in the early 1960s and eventually appeared briefly in a TV~ad, though the events are not known to have been related.]
   

Worst plague of our generation: burnout.

The happiest event for Japanese Empire top warlord Tojo Hideki and Brit P.M. Winston Churchill was the same: Pearl Harbor.
[At that moment, Churchill KNEW that the Brit Empire would survive WW2. Additionally, only a day before, the Nazi Army was hurled back from within sight of the Kremlin — by Russian troops (under Zhukov) which had been freed from Siberian watch for Jap invasion because Russia had (due to espionage [once-conventional explanation] or more likely secret Jap-Red pact which betrayed each's war-partners) learned that instead of helping Germany against Russia, Tojo (ignoring the advice of his cleverer colleague Togo) had decided to opt for energy-independence by grabbing the oil of the Indies.
Pearl Harbor was a typical attack-before-war-declaration (just like Japan's 1904 surprise for Russia at Port Arthur, Korea), which perversely induced the remarkable reverse, when Japan-ally Hitler decided (1941/12/11) suicidally to commit an act utterly unique to his own warlord career: declare war on a nation (the US) BEFORE attacking it.]

Most jaw-dropping mock-defiance of P.C.:
“Stop mistreating those so&so's.
After all, they're man's nearest relative.”

Most brilliantly executed commando raid = 9/11.

Ablest hypnotists: politicians.

Most durable con = Jesus'.

The most genuine (i.e., non-illusionist) and deepest magicians: composers of music.

Longest-odds lottery-winners of all time: the human race.

Best journeys of them all: your never-to-be repeated life — and mentally-traveling your unique accumulated memories of it.

[Action-principals, left-to-right: Franz von Papen, Prez Hindenburg, Chancellor Hitler, Röhm.]
Much of KO's jibing at GOP-slut FOX's super-patriotism etc is both accurate and salutary. But when KO rightly attacks contempt for the law in some of his opponents, his own silence on business's middle-class-killing illegal exploitation of illegal immigrant peons becomes embarrassingly stark. One other point: KO's attacks on most of his enemies increasingly look less like an attempt to correct and deflate them than to convince the viewer never (again?) even to tune-in — ever — to what they have to say. Dangerous approach. And all too familiar to our readers.]

Many of the foregoing items were written during the 20th century, which is thus “the Century” (B&DR's century) referred to in those cases.