Jest Awful





Original DR “Humor”





DIO Proudly Announces Establishment of Meticulous Quality-Control on Its Jokes
[They're ALL Bad]




Lowerarchical High:
Dennis Rawlins' pathetic attempts at humor, which occasionally but uncontrollably infect DIOs, usually in its ghastly Scrawlins department, are so alien to decent humanity (anti-seraphically hogging the absolute-zero low of the hierarchy thereof) that, when distributing DIO copies, he has actually been known to provide auxiliary barf-bags, mercifully labelled “For Use in Case of Scrawlins”.


Perhaps the simplest way to impart the level of “humor” in every Scrawlins is to quote one of horrid little things' typically idiotic preface (DIO 8.2 [1998] p.46):



How You Too Can Write a Scrawlins

You know, I can hardly walk down the street anymore without being pestered by fans who come up, deliberately fall in my path, grasp piteously at the hem of my garment, and beg me to explain: how-do-you-do-it? — tell us, how do you put together a Scrawlins?

Waaaal, m'boy, it's all in the wrists — oh, sorry, wrong sport. Awright, soooo — you want to know how to do a Scrawlins? OK, I have this big computer wastebasket, see, which I toss junk-whims into. And it's so crammed with what any sane observer'd agree is oaffal offal, that only a whiff of a wisp of it could have any worth.
Now we come to the hard part: as a (nonexistent) DIO deadline approaches, I slosh, sift, swim, and finally snorkel through this slagheap, with gnashing eye and eagle tooth. The process crescendos in a blurry tornado of workworkworkworkworkworkworkwork, as I carry all before me, with the hefty bombmentum of a RUNAWAY RHINO — yet with butterfly-delicate discrimination — braving the turbid ASCII-cesspool boiling all about me. Yea, at the last, I have deftly gleaned in triumph every single one of this infernal stew's rare coherent morsels.

And then the remainder goes right to press.



Hey, if you're reading on here, just don't say you weren't warned . . . .




Note that there's plenty of ghastly DR “humor” (lurking and ready to pounce) throughout the purportedly serious documents on this website, joshing such inherently comic and-or spoofable-by-analogy educational subjects as:

self
Shrubya
Dracula
WMDs
Iraq
faith
impeachment
tsuper-immigration
US pseudo-elections
advertising
critics
Condiparrot
Jesus
Khachaturian
ethnic narcissism
lawyers
theAmusing Randi
other imperial chicken-hawkery
National Geographic
Muffiosi
Lord Michael Hoskin
The-Brad Schaefer
Noel Swerdlow
Owen Gingerich


Now, on to the horrors selected (hell only knows how) for presentation here:

  • When Orson Welles pulled his 1938/10/30 invasion-from-Mars hoax, a terrified 1/6 of the US public found it credible that Martians had deliberately moved to New Jersey. When Russia genuinely took the first photograph of the Moon's backside, 1/6 of the US public deemed it a fraud. At the lowpoint of Nixon's Watergate disgrace, even after the tapes of his self-buggery were exposed, 1/6 of the US public still believed in him.
    Question: Are these the same people? (DIO 2.1 [1992] ‡1 §A1 [p.3].)

  • Question: Why can't you kill a lawyer?
    (See answer elsewhere.)

  • What's the difference between FDR and GWB? FDR was crippled below the neck.

  • And heart.


    More Questions
    (Some at DIO 8.2 [1998] p.47):

  • What's the difference between our two best acting clinics, Congress & prison?
    Good acting gets you into one — and out of the other. (DIO 2.3 [1992] p.91.)

  • Question: What's the difference between a believer in Santa Claus & a believer in god?
    Answer: One is 365 times crazier than the other.

  • One of the more atypical Polish jokes circulated underground for years until 2005:
    Question: What do you call a Polish person living in a 1000-room mansion?
    Answer: Your Holiness.
    DR has appended his own pregnant-contrast followup:
    Question: What do you call 1000 people living in one room?
    Answer: His Holiness' birth-control pupils.
    (DIO 4.2 [1994] p.81.)

  • Redundant Redundance:
    Dennis Rawlins:
    What's the difference between a crooked lawyer and a crooked politician?
    One you pay to lie to others, and the other you pay to lie to you.
    (See DIO 8.2 [1998] p.51 n.20 [p.51], which adds an even-worse genetic joke.)
    [Most of us have heard the oldie: How do you know a lawyer is lying?
    See if his lips are moving.
    Another traditional one: what's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a scum-sucking bottom-dweller. And the other is a fish. See also at DIO 4.2 [1994] ‡9 §D2 [p.78].]

  • Question: How do safely-grazing-careerist academic sheeple resemble Bach's 250 cantatas?
    Answer: Herd one, herd 'em all.

  • Question: What's your sign?
    Answer: No Smoking.

  • Question: What do you do?
    Answer: Well.


  • The difference between DR and AAS-Hysterical Astronomy Division politicians: one kicks what the other kisses.


  • Chicago Cub History: Just Goating or Just Kidding? Think it's easy being the 2003 Chicago guy who deflected the baseball which (like that 1945 whipping-goat) is blamed for maybe costing the feckless Cubs a World Championship? Well — Salman Rushdie refused to trade places….

  • Fashionable Circles:
    Women love shopping.
    Shopping so they can buy fash threads.
    To look in-fashion when they're doing what they do,
    during most of the time they're wearing fash-threads.
    Namely: shopping.

  • DR's advice for solar eclipses and transits of Mercury & Venus:
    Never stare at the Sun — all you'll see is a doctor.

  • Messalina Lives:
    OK, we know it's hollerin'-good-showbiz for cable-TV 'snews' fave spat-show host (& power-groupie) Chris Matthews to keep comparing each quadrennial neck&neck-down-to-the-wire-EVERY-time prez-election to a sporting contest. But: why does he keep mis-pronouncing “whoresrace”?

  • By Their Fruits Ye Shall Know Them:
    Jimmy Cagney became immortal for realizing that if Newton could get famous for finding gravity in an apple, he could do likewise by finding levity in a grapefruit.
    [You expected a San Francisco joke?]

  • Who coined the phrase, “Jesus is coming”?
    Mary Magdelene?

  • In 1980, in the state of Washington, dozens of simmering-volcano Mount St.Hell neighbors blithely ignored scientists' warnings and so were soon lavingly roasted.
    Monday-morning-quarterbacking suggestion: could the dolts have been IQ-jumpstarted by bullhorn-replays of Belushi's food-fight casus-belli-alert in Animal House?  “I'm a ZIT! — GET it?”

  • Pure Bull:
    Dennis Rawlins on astrology:
    “astrology was evidently born in Mesopotamia … doubtless under the sign of Taurus.… If astronomy is the oldest science and prostitution the oldest profession, then surely the prostitution of astronomy must be honored with a unique niche in the chrono-superlative book of records.” (Queen's Quarterly 91.4 p.969 [1984].)


  • Question: What do you call the following threesome: a symmetric six-sided polyhedron, JFK's least fave Western Hemisphere nation, and a 1920s-fash painter?
    Answer: Cube, Cuber, Cubist.

  • On 2005/4/4, TV 'snews gave numbing promo-coverage from VatCity as the world's late top superstition-promoter's bod was

    Lying in State

    Hey, isn't that CondiParrot's job?

  • Fur Out:
    The only fur our friends wear is their cellphones' Beethoven-ring: Für Elise.
    [Think that's bad? How about:
    the sole unique service that real fur ever brought to humanity was at the 2005 GOP inaugural ostentivities — when the fur coats were the only non-fake part of the show.]

  • Standing Up for the Little-I:
    If you had an anti-abortion-fanatic's brain, you too might hysterically oppose the killing of microscopic life.
    [Further on idealistic foetus-hugger cults and their cynical exploiters:
    DIO 4.3 [1994] ‡13 §C4, n.16, & §E [p.115-117]; DIO 8.1 [1998] ‡5 §§E2&7 [p.47].]

  • The 1974 transition from I'm-not-a-crook Dick Nixon to pratfalling Gerry Ford: the Presidency went from a standing joke to a non-standing joke.
    (See DIO 11.3 [2002] ‡6 n.9 [p.71].)


  • Spielberg is PC — so why didn't his 2005 film War of the Worlds refer to the incoming Martians as: “undocumenteds”? — just looking for a better life….

  • Unlike Europe (with its ubiquitous filthy newsrags & TV), the US establishment thankgod stoutly mans the video barricades, to keep images of topless women away from the sight of the very young. Europe isn't advanced enough to understand one of US puritanism's most epochal discoveries:

    Breasts were not created for infants.

  • JFK is best remembered for forceful public speeches, e.g., at the Berlin Wall: “Ich bin ein Berliner.” Well, just as Europe reserves the name “Amerikaner” for the grossest, most glutton-seeking ice-cream cone known to manperson, so the fattest jelly doughnut is called “Berliner” in Germany. (We thank Cönnie Goessman for this bit of foreign intelligence.) So numerous Germans wondered at the time why the US press went wild with apocalyptic fervor when its President chose to announce to the world: “I am a jelly doughnut.” Musing on this while our families were walking in Baltimore's inner harbor, a friend (who has the unDIOesque decency to prefer anonymity) … noted (1994/7/23) that if the symbolically-divided city of Germany had been different, the saying might have been: “Ich bin ein Frankfurter.” With a more northern German city in mind, I responded by suggesting that a worst-possible-taste black-humor photo-caption for the fatal shot in Dallas could be: “Ich bin ein Hamburger.” (DIO 4.2 [1994] ‡8 n.3 [p.72].)

  • DR visits Germany every year and learns a few more German words. At his present pace, in 300 years, he'll have the vocabulary of an 8 year-old German.

  • Years ago (c.1980), DR was involved in a public debate with a prominent Creationist — one of whose surprise tactics was his denial of the existence of vestiges (e.g., the human tailbone). So I asked him: “what about the male nipple?” Which drew no coherent response. When I mentioned this incident later to a very bright friend, he responded: “And the female brain.”
    [This, in the presence of both our extremely intelligent wives, who seemed to take it in the intended jocular spirit. The genius-creator of this barb prefers anonymity, in a politically-correct age.]
    So now, whenever I get pseudo-sexist with my wife, I just tell her not to worry her pretty little vestige.… And she, in the same vein, says that if our friend really means there are differences between the male & female mind, she'll scratch his eyes out.
    (From DIO 4.2 [1994] ‡9 §K2 [p.82].)

  • The Howdy-Doody Syndrome?
    On 2003 November 19, it was sad to hear that, during a public event, Egypt's US-State-Dep't-beloved ruler Mubarek suddenly had difficulty standing.
    Tangled strings?



  • Yes, DIO has even (inspired by the world's most reluctant alimony-payer, O Simpson) stooped to limericking (DIO 8.2 [1998] ‡5 n.21 [p.51]):

    There was a big jock named The Juice
    Who tortured his wife with abuse.
    When he got on his knees,
    She gave him the freeze;
    So he cut her head nearly loose.


  • DIO's brief history of the Dork Ages:

    Spacey Bush,  he was a son-of-the-rich.
    He drove his reign into a Moslem ditch.

  • And DIO's 4-line Dutchboy-dike coverup summary (DIO 6.1 [1996] p.4) shows precisely as much poetic sensitivity as the foregoing:

    It starts with a hush,
    And ends with a gush,
    When holes outnumber fingers,
    And kings run out of slush.



  • Our great White House Cap't Bill Jefferson Ahab's totally nonsexual harpooning of an irresistible great white sperm-whale was just as irresistible to DIO. (See “Oval Sex in the Oral Office” [ruminations on BJ and his Adventures With an Ellipsoidal Phallivore] at DIO 8.2 [1998] pp.50-55.)

  • How to halve top sports-scum numbers: get O.Simpson a date with Tonya.



  • GOP Terrorism-Era Fantasy Review
    — Scene Secretly Deleted from 2005's KING KONG    :
    Bush-successor-aspirant Rudy Giuliani was asked what his very 1st thought was, when he saw Kong killing hundreds of NYC citizens, and Rudy said: “I immediately thought how glad I was that Geo.Bush is President.”

    We wind down with a few DIO-look-ups:

    1. Was the creature who really killed Nicole Simpson even human?
      (See DIO 6.1 [1996] pp.49-50.)

    2. If two wrongs don't make a right, then: what do two rights make?
      (See DIO 8.2 [1998] p.47.)






    Finally, what no reader of the complete foregoing can possibly deny:


  • If aging and getting-mature were the same, DR would live forever.